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Erin, welcome to unlearning work, where we empower you to redesign your job by rethinking work habits, behaviors and strategies. I'm your host. Erin Merideth, a work behavior enthusiast and leadership strategist, join me as I explore various work related topics and provide practical insights and real life examples. We'll examine the nature of work from the ground up and deliver bite sized episodes with actionable advice twice a month.
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Hi everyone, and welcome back to the unlearning work podcast, where we explore strategies to rethink how we work. Lead and grow. I'm your host, Erin, and today we're diving into a topic that touches every one of us feedback at work. If you've ever walked out of a meeting shaking your head, wondering why no one seemed to be on the same page, this episode is for you. I understand that many of you are currently navigating your performance review cycle, whether as leaders or employees. In my conversations with clients, I often hear common questions about why this process can feel so difficult and even painful, and why do these conversations, which are meant to support growth and alignment, often lead to stress, misunderstandings or demotivation. It's a challenge many face, and today, we'll explore both the psychological reasons behind it and strategies to make these reviews more productive and empowering. We're not just talking about feedback in general. Today, we're looking at it through the lens of behavioral psychology, we'll break down why simple conversations about performance so often lead to misunderstandings, conflict or frustration, and most importantly, how to make feedback conversations easier and more impactful. Stick around, because by the end of this episode, you'll have practical strategies that can change the way you give and receive feedback forever. Let's get started.
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Let's begin with a scenario many of you have probably experienced or witnessed. It's performance review time. Emma, a marketing analyst, is walking into her manager David's office. Emma has been putting in extra hours, staying late and juggling multiple projects over the past six months. She's feeling anxious, but also hopeful, hopeful that David will acknowledge her hard work, maybe even offer promotion or development opportunity. But the conversation takes a different turn. David starts by pointing out areas where Emma didn't meet expectations. She missed deadlines on two projects and a client presentation didn't receive great feedback. Emma's face falls while David does eventually acknowledge her accomplishments. By that point, Emma has mentally checked out. She nods along, but as she leaves the meeting, she feels demotivated and unsure of how to improve. The praise she was hoping for felt like an afterthought. This type of scenario I'm talking about here. It plays out in workplaces all around the world. Conversations meant to promote growth and alignment instead create confusion, disappointment and even resentment. And why is that? Typically, it's because feedback. Conversations are rarely just about performance. They're deeply influenced by behavioral patterns and past experiences in today's episode, we'll unpack why feedback can be so emotionally challenging and offer strategies to turn these conversations into opportunities for growth. What are these hidden challenges of feedback? Let's explore the psychology behind why this can be so difficult.
3:17
One of the key concepts is reinforcement patterns, behavioral psychology tells us that our habits around feedback, feedback are shaped by years of interactions with parents, teachers, friends and of course, previous managers. Think about it. If you grew up in an environment where feedback was harsh or focused only on your mistakes, your brain might now associate feedback with criticism. If your manager starts a conversation with we need to talk, your body might instantly tense up. You could feel your heart race, your mind race, and all of this to prepare your defenses, even before you eat. Heard the actual message. Similarly, if giving feedback has led to negative experiences like conflict, tears or being dismissed, you might avoid giving feedback altogether. Maybe you think, what's the point? Or I don't want to make things worse. These learned responses create emotional barriers that make feedback stressful for both the person giving it and the person receiving it. It's not just about what's being said in the moment, it's about what our past experiences have conditioned us to expect.
4:24
Another major challenge is what psychologists call avoidance of negative stimuli. Simply put, humans are wired to avoid things that have caused discomfort in the past. This is a survival mechanism our brains are trying to protect us from perceived threats. Let's take a real life example, imagine you're a team leader who needs to give constructive feedback to Chris. Their last report didn't meet expectations. But instead of addressing it head on, you hesitate. You might delay the conversation, hoping the problem will resolve itself, or when you do finally speak to Chris, you soften the feedback so much that the message doesn't come through clearly. Me and why? Why do you do this? Well, it's because your brain remembers that these conversations can be uncomfortable, maybe even confrontational, and it's trying to shield you from that discomfort. But here's the problem with avoidance. Chris never gets the opportunity to improve his work, and it continues to fall short, which ultimately impacts the entire team. This avoidance leads to a cycle of underperformance and missed opportunities for growth and breaking this cycle means building emotional resilience, learning how to manage the discomfort of giving and receiving tough feedback, and improving communication skills so that the message can be delivered with clarity and empathy.
5:42
Now let's talk about conditioned responses. These are automatic reactions triggered by certain phrases, tones or even body language during feedback conversations. For example, if your manager says, We need talk about your performance, you might immediately feel anxious. This reaction isn't random. It's your brain reacting based on past experiences where similar conversations were negative or judgmental.
6:06
Another concept that explains this from behavioral economics is loss aversion. The scientists behind this found that people are more sensitive to potential losses than potential gains. So in the context of feedback, employees might perceive criticism as a threat to their status, reputation or self worth, even if the feedback is well intentioned. So this perception can trigger defensiveness, and it shuts down communication, making it harder for the person to absorb and act on the feedback.
6:37
There's also the issue of ambiguous reinforcement when organizations send mixed messages about feedback, they might say they value open communication, but subtly, they punish employees who speak up. So take Maria, for instance. She suggests an improvement during a team meeting, but her manager dismisses the idea, saying, let's stick to what we've always done, even though the manager may not have intended to discourage her. Maria interprets it as a sign that feedback isn't truly welcome. So over time, she and others who were who witnessed the interaction may stop offering suggestions. Organizations need to align their actions with their stated values. So if feedback is genuinely valued, then employees need to see it rewarded and not punished. Now that we've talked about the challenges, let's move on to solutions. The good news is that feedback habits can be reshaped. Here are four strategies to make both giving and receiving feedback easier. We'll also revisit Emma's performance review story to see how these strategies could have improved her experience. So the number one thing is to reward the process, not just the outcome. Often feedback only focuses on the final result. Did the project succeed or fail? But when we reward the process itself, we encourage behaviors that lead to a long term growth. This means recognizing, effort, learning and improvements, not just end results.
8:02
So let's bring Emma back into this conversation. So during her performance review, her manager, David only focused on the outcomes, missed deadlines and a presentation that didn't go well. What if instead, David had acknowledged Emma's effort and progress along the way. And here's how that might sound, Emma, I want to recognize how much effort you put into managing multiple projects this quarter, I noticed you worked late to meet tight deadlines, and you've demonstrated commitment and resilience. Let's discuss how we can support you better next time to prevent those delays by recognizing Emma's dedication and the effort she put into her work, David would reinforce behaviors like perseverance and problem solving, encouraging Emma to continue striving for excellence. And so for you as a listener, how do we put this into use? If you're giving feedback, think about the behaviors you want to reinforce. Did someone show creativity? Take initiative or demonstrate persistence? If they did acknowledge it. If you're on the receiving end, take the initiative to highlight your own process in your review. Say something like, I worked hard to manage competing priorities this quarter. I'd like to hear your thoughts on how I can better prioritize tasks moving forward.
9:18
Number two, create psychological safety. People need to feel safe to engage in difficult conversations. This means creating an environment where feedback isn't seen as a threat. Leaders play a crucial role in building this kind of culture by modeling vulnerability and constructive dialog. Let's go back to Emma. So during her performance review, David could have opened the conversation differently to create a sense of safety. Instead of jumping into criticism, he could have asked Emma for her perspective. He could have said, Emma, before we dive in, I'd like to hear from you. How do you feel this past quarter went, what are some things you're proud of, and where do you think you face challenges by starting the conversation this way, David would signal that Emma. Input matters, making her feel more comfortable and engaged. This kind of dialog encourages employees to open up, reflect on their performance, and collaborate on solutions. For you as a listener, if you're a manager, try starting with your next feedback conversation with open ended questions that invite input, like what's been going well for you recently, and what challenges are you facing? If you're an employee preparing for a review, don't wait for your manager to create this space. You can initiate the dialog by saying, I'd like to share my perspective on my performance. Here's what I think went well and where I see room for improvement. This approach not only helps you feel more in control, but also fosters a more collaborative and productive discussion.
10:47
Three, provide immediate and specific feedback. Behavioral Research shows that feedback is more impactful when it's given immediately after the event, so delaying feedback reduces its effectiveness because people are less emotionally connected to the situation. So imagine this scenario. Instead of waiting until their performance review to tell Emma that her presentation needed improvement, David could have provided that feedback back right after the presentation. He might have said, Emma, I liked how you structured the presentation, especially the opening. One area for improvement is engaging the audience with more visuals, let's discuss some ideas for your next presentation. This timely, specific feedback would have helped Emma course correct sooner, rather than surprising her months later. So for you as a listener, as a manager, try giving feedback in real time. For example, if an employee handles a difficult client interaction. Well, say he did an excellent job de escalating that situation. Your calm demeanor made a big difference. If you're an employee, seek immediate feedback after key projects or events and ask, I'd love your feedback on how I handle today's client meeting. Are there any areas where I could improve this practice builds continuous learning and improvement into your workflow.
12:03
Reframe feedback as a growth opportunity, too often, feedback is framed as a retrospective critique of what went wrong to shift this mindset focus on feed forward, or feedback that emphasizes future improvements and possibilities. So instead of David saying, Emma, you missed two deadlines this quarter. He could have reframed it as Emma, I know you were balancing multiple priorities, and that made it tough to meet a few deadlines. Moving forward, let's brainstorm ways to better prioritize your tasks. We could look at reallocating some responsibilities or adjusting project timelines. This approach changes the conversation from judgment to collaboration, which is more motivating and actionable for you as a listener. When giving feedback, use future orientated language. Ask questions like, What can we do differently next time to improve this process and when receiving feedback, take the opportunity to discuss strategies for future success. Say thank you for that feedback. What would you suggest I focus on to improve in the next quarter? By reframing feedback this way, you foster a mindset of continuous growth and learning, as we've seen with Emma's case, implementing these strategies can significantly improve feedback conversations when you reward the process, create psychological safety, provide timely feedback and emphasize future growth. You set the stage for more productive and empowering performance reviews.
13:28
So the next time you preparing for a feedback conversation, whether giving or receiving, try out these tactics. Small changes in how you approach feedback can have a big impact on workplace trust, engagement and performance as a review of the actions you can take. One, reward the process, recognize effort, learning and progress, not just results. For example, I saw how much effort you put into managing these tight deadlines. Let's explore ways to improve project pacing. Two, create psychological safety, foster an open collaborative dialog by inviting input and showing vulnerability. Example, I'd like to hear your thoughts on how things went this quarter, what went well and what could have gone better. Three, provide immediate and specific feedback. Give feedback close to the event with actionable detail. For example, great job handling that client. Call today, your calm, clear responses really diffuse the tension and four, reframe the feedback, focus on strategies for future success, rather than dwelling on past mistakes. For example, let's brainstorm ways to manage competing priorities better next time.
14:34
Ultimately, feedback is more than just a conversation about performance, it's a behavioral process shaped by reinforcement patterns, conditioned responses and psychological safety. Understanding these dynamics helps us break on helpful cycles and creates environments where feedback is easier to give, receive and act upon. So here's my challenge for you this week, take a moment to reflect on your own feedback habits. Are you avoiding certain conversations because. Fear or discomfort. Are you reinforcing the behaviors you want to see in others, or are you unintentionally sending mixed signals? And how can you shift those feedback conversations from a focus on diagnosing the past to designing a better future?
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If you enjoyed this conversation, join us the unlearning work community. It's a supportive space for growth career advancement, and it thrives in a non judgmental, supportive space where you can give and receive feedback, share insights and connect with like minded professionals. Find out more on our website, unlearningwork.com.
15:32
Thanks for tuning in to today's episode of unlearning work. If you found this conversation helpful, share it with a colleague or your team for more strategies on leadership, career development and workplace communication. Visit [email protected] and subscribe to our newsletter until next time. Remember feedback is not just a performance tool. It's a tool for transformation. Use it To design the future you want. Erin,
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
