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Erin, welcome to unlearning work, where we empower you to redesign your job by rethinking work habits, behaviors and strategies. I'm your host. Erin Merideth, a work behavior enthusiast and leadership strategist, join me as I explore various work related topics and provide practical insights and real life examples. We'll examine the nature of work from the ground up and deliver bite sized episodes with actionable advice twice a month.
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Hi there, and welcome back to unlearning work, the podcast where we rethink the habits, systems and mindsets that shape our work lives so we can do more of what matters and less of what drains us. I'm Erin, and today we're unpacking a sneaky little word that shows up everywhere in our leadership, in our work, in our conversations and especially in our self talk. That word is, should you should do this. They should know better. I should have done more. Sound familiar today, we're diving into how the word should becomes a source of stress, shame and self sabotage, and what to say or do instead, we'll explore why the word should is more powerful and problematic than you might think, how it quietly shapes work, culture, leadership, habits and side hustle pressure, what behavioral science reveals about why we fall into should patterns and what to say instead, so you can lead clearly and act from an alignment, not guilt. Let's get into it.
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What does should really mean? Let's talk about a word that seems so small but carries huge weight in how we lead, collaborate and talk to ourselves should when we say someone should do something, we're not just making an observation. We're revealing a hidden belief, expectation or standard, and most of the time, that standard has never been explicitly agreed upon by anyone else. We use should so often at work, in our side hustle, in our self talk that we don't even notice how it's shaping our behavior, our burnout and relationships. The behavioral insight behind this is that language you use, especially words like should, must and have to, activates a stress response in the brain. This kind of language implies a lack of choice or agency, which can increase anxiety and reduce motivation over time. In other words, should becomes a trap, not a tool.
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Let's look at four real world categories of shoulds with examples from both corporate life and side hustles. The first one is the moral or ethical obligation these shoulds express what we think is right or wrong based on personal values or professional norms. A work example is someone might say she should have owned up to the mistake during the client review. This frames the issue as a moral failing rather than a communication gap. And when we judge instead of inquire, we shut down collaboration in a side hustle. Example, we could say someone might say to themselves, I should have been honest with the client that I wasn't ready, that self directed judgment often masquerades as accountability, but it leads to shame, not growth. Why does this matter? These shoulds feel righteous, but they shut down curiosity and accountability. They leave no room for learning
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another place should shows up is cultural or workplace norms. These shoulds are shaped by office culture industry standards or generational assumptions. Work example might be, you should know better than to challenge the VP in public. This may reflect an unspoken rule. But is that rule helpful or just habitual? In the side hustle example, someone might say, I should have a full content calendar by now. This isn't about strategy. It's about internalizing hustle culture and comparison traps. Why does this one matter? Well, these shoulds are rarely examined, and they keep us performing for approval instead of progressing on purpose.
4:04
A third type is personal desire or emotional need. These shoulds pop up when we feel disconnected or unseen, but don't name it directly. A work example might be my boss should check in on me more. This usually means I feel unsupported, but instead of asking for the support secretly we are resentful in the side hustle. Example, we might say people should be engaging more with my posts. Underneath that is a longing to be seen and not scrolled past, but the language distances us from what we truly want. And why does it matter? Well, shoulds hide vulnerability when left unspoken, they create frustration and false narratives.
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The last type we're going to look at is the projection of your own thinking style. These shoulds assume everyone thinks and works like you. A work example might be they should just prioritize better. Well, maybe your teammate isn't lazy. They're overwhelmed, but your.
5:00
Should is assuming their brain works like yours in a side hustle example, we might say to ourselves, I should just be able to push through. This shows up when high performers ignore their own limits and wear burnout as a badge of honor.
5:13
So why does this matter? These shoulds erase diversity in thinking, energy, learning and the lived experience. So why does this happen? Well, because our brains crave certainty, control and structure. Should gives us a simple framework. Do this be that? But behavioral research shows that language like should must or have to activate a threat response in the brain, especially when we feel it imposed by others or even ourselves over time, these internal roles become self sabotage. They drive perfectionism, procrastination, people pleasing and burnout.
5:53
Let's zoom in on why should is a problem at work and how it shows up in leadership and team dynamics in corporate and entrepreneurial settings alike, these hidden expectations erode clarity and increased stress, both for others and for ourselves. And we're going to look at four today. The first one is hidden expectations, things like they should already know how to do this. My manager should give clearer direction. These statements reveal assumptions masquerading as facts. Behavioral Science tells us that humans often operated on cognitive shortcuts assuming shared knowledge or priorities that don't actually exist. The leadership insight here is instead of assuming, clarify, ask, check and invite, that transparency, create trust. Second one we're going to look at is perfectionism and over functioning things like I should always be available. She should have nailed that presentation. Should fuels perfectionism, especially in high achieving environments. And according to research from Brene Brown, perfectionism is not the same as striving for excellence. It's a self destructive and addictive belief system rooted in fear of shame or judgment. So the leadership reminder here is model, what it means to be human, not flawless. Progress and adaptability matter more than image. The third way is judgment instead of curiosity. Things like they should care more about their work. He should be more like her, these shoulds reveal internal values that may not be shared and often invite resistance. When we judge instead of inquire, we reduce psychological safety, which research shows is essential for collaboration and innovation. So try instead. I wonder what's getting in their way of their engagement. What might they need to feel more invested, that curiosity invites conversation and it shuts down the judgment, the final one is poor feedback and accountability. Things like you should try harder, or you shouldn't speak like that in meetings, should based feedback puts people on the defensive. It frames performance as a character flaw, rather than a behavior that can be coached or improved. The better way is, is to use behaviorally specific language. When you spoke that way in the meeting, I noticed some tension. Can we talk about what happened?
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This opens a door to reflection and resolution, so instead of shame and silence.
8:22
Now let's look at the shoulds in your side hustle, that silent saboteur, and we're turning that lens inwards, because should doesn't just show up in your leadership and work. It shows up when you're building something new, especially when you're wearing all the hats in your side hustle. So behavioral science tells us that self imposed pressure, especially when it's vague or rooted in comparison leads to task paralysis and avoidance. Well, why is that? Well, it's because our brains interpret unclear, emotionally loaded expectations as threats, triggering stress instead of motivation. So we're going to explore three common shoulds that come up in your journey, and how to shift them.
9:00
The first is the productivity pressure. Should things like I should be further along, or I should be posting more I should have launched already. These thoughts come from internalized comparison, not strategy. They're rarely connected to actual goals and often reflect a fear of falling behind. The behavioral insight here is research shows that vague goals and unclear standards increase that cognitive load. So instead of mobilizing you, they overwhelm you. One way to reframe this is you could ask yourself, What's one clear, achievable task I can do today to move this forward, that small, defined actions activate progress, and two, the money expectations should I should be making money by now. I should charge more money. Shoulds are often tangled up in worth fear and comparison, but without feedback or context, these judgments create shame, not insight. An example I have is a client saying they should be more profitable, but they hadn't clarified business model or revenue.
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New goals, and once we broke it down, we realized that they had built an audience, but even hadn't even made a first offer. So to reframe this, we could say what feedback or data would help me understand where I really am, and how can I experiment instead of judge?
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The third one is the identity should if I were really an entrepreneur, I'd be more consistent, or I should feel more confident. This should is tied to identity. We judge our legitimacy based on performance or Polish, forgetting that confidence is built through action, not pre installed. So the behavioral reminder here is identity grows through repetition. Confidence comes after doing not before. So the reframe is saying things. I'm becoming a more consistent creator by showing up even and perfectly. This version of me is still learning, and that's okay.
10:53
The side hustle insight here is, if your inner voice is full of shoulds, that's not a strategy. It's a signal. It's time to replace pressure with clarity and judgment with experiment. Now it's time to rethink the shoulds we've unpacked How should shows up across leadership and side hustle life. So let's take a step back and look at how we can replace it with something more constructive. Behavioral Science tells us that when we replace vague, judgmental language with clear values based framing, we reduce cognitive load and increase motivation. Saying this differently, the words you use shape the way you work. So let's take a look at some common should statements and what they might sound like when reframed through clarity, curiosity and compassion.
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The first one is around expectations, where we would commonly say things like they should know this. Now a better framing would be, have I clearly communicated what I expect?
11:50
The Another situation is on feedback, where you would commonly might say you should fix this. Well, better framing around this. One is, Can we walk through what's not working? Another situation is Team frustration and a common should might be, they should care more, a better framing around this is what might be blocking their engagement.
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Finally, we could talk about self talk things like the common thing could be, I should have done more. What we can say instead is, what did I learn and how can I apply it? Each of these reframes, reduces ambiguity, replaces judgment with dialog, and shifts us towards solutions instead of blame. This isn't about eliminating the word should entirely, but it's about noticing when it shows up and asking yourself, what am I really trying to communicate? Is there a value, fear or unmet need behind the should. You'll be amazed at how often what you thought was a directive is actually a moment waiting for a reflection, redirection or connection.
12:51
What do we say instead? So let's get practical. If you've been spotting shoulds in your self talk or conversations, the next step is building a vocabulary of alternatives, language that promotes clarity, support and action. And here's why this matters, language creates experience. Cognitive behavioral studies show that when we name things with curiosity instead of criticism, we reduce emotional reactivity and improve problem solving. So let's walk through some common should moments and healthier alternatives. So instead of, they should know better. Try, I expected them to know this. Have I communicated it clearly? Instead of, she should be more confident. Try, how can I support her growth and create space for confidence to build?
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Instead of, I should have done more. Try, I did the best I could with what I had. What's the learning here?
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Instead of I should have already be successful try. This is a process, and I'm moving forward at pace that's right for me. Reframing isn't about being soft or letting go of standards. It's about creating psychological space for reflection, growth and real alignment. Now let's turn that awareness into action with a challenge you can use this week.
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The challenge for the week is number one, notice your shoulds for two days. Jot down every time you say or think should about yourself, a teammate, a client or your work. Two, identify what's behind it. Ask yourself, is this about fear, expectation, a need I haven't voiced three. Choose one to reframe, use one of the replacements from today's episode, or create your own language that feels honest and clear. And four, reflect what shifted? Did your energy change? Did someone respond differently?
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That's it for today's episode of unlearning work. I hope this gave you a new lens on a word we rarely question but that shapes so much of how we work, lead and relate to others. If this resonated, share it with someone who needs to hear it and don't forget to download the unlearning work app to get access to our action pack that includes a worksheet that goes with this episode. Inside the app, you'll also find worksheets for past pod.
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Episodes, weekly micro challenges to keep you moving and tools help you unlearn outdated work habits and build better ones. Just search unlearning work in your app store or check the link in the show notes. If you do want to go deeper, join the unlearning work community and take part in our main challenge, stop shooting and start leading. Clearly, the goal here is to unlearn the hidden shoulds shaping how you lead work and build and replace them with clear, confident action rooted in your values. Each week, we focus on a key theme from the podcast, so come connect, share your insights and build better habits together. You can find the link to join in the show notes or in the app until next time, pause the pressure drop the should and keep unlearning what no longer serves You. Thanks for listening. You.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
