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Erin, welcome to unlearning work, where we empower you to redesign your job by rethinking work habits, behaviors and strategies. I'm your host. Erin Merideth, a work behavior enthusiast and leadership strategist, join me as I explore various work related topics and provide practical insights and real life examples. We'll examine the nature of work from the ground up and deliver bite size episodes with actionable advice twice a month.
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Welcome to the unlearning podcast. I'm your host. Erin Merideth today, let's start with a question, How often do you get emotionally tangled up in the outcome of something. Maybe your boss doesn't reply to your email, maybe a project you've poured yourself into doesn't get the recognition you expected, or maybe your partner doesn't react the way you hoped when you shared some good news, and almost instantly, our brain rushes in with a story. They don't respect me. I'm not good enough. I must have done something wrong, but what if we were not actually reacting to the situation itself? We're reacting to the story we told ourselves about why it happened. Today's episode is called play detective, separating emotions from outcomes. Here's the idea. So often, we don't just experience what happens to us, we experience the story we tell ourselves about why it happened so a colleague interrupts you in a meeting, a friend doesn't text you back, a project doesn't get the recognition you hoped for, and before you know it, you're spiraling in self doubt, frustration or even anger. But what if you could pause, step back and put a detective hat on? What if you separated the facts, the who, what, when and where, from the why, that layer of meaning that so often drags us into emotional quicksand. In this episode, I'll share practical strategies, work and personal examples and behavioral science insights to help you detach from the swirl of emotions. See patterns in where you get most hooked and make conscious choices about which stories deserve your energy, because when you stop reacting to every why and start seeing the evidence clearly, you take back control of your focus, your confidence and your peace of mind. So let's get started. Here's the key outcomes are made of two layers. They are the circumstances, the who, what, when and where. That's the raw evidence and the why, the meaning we assign it when emotions get involved. Today, I want to share a tool I call playing detective. It's about pausing before we jump to conclusions, separating the evidence from the meaning, and making a conscious choice about how much of the why we actually care about because here's the thing, when you map your work and life this way, you start to notice patterns. You see which types of situations constantly trigger you, and that gives you power, the power to respond intentionally, instead of reacting emotionally. Let's take this into the work, into our office, and think about presentation feedback as an example. You deliver a presentation at the quarterly meeting, and afterwards, your boss doesn't comment. So the facts here are, is the who that's your boss, the what, the silence, the when, immediately after the meeting, and where is the conference room? The why is maybe she must not like have liked it, or I didn't do well, maybe I'm not leadership material, but maybe she had to jump to her next meeting. Maybe she thought it was solid and didn't feel the need to say anything. Maybe she wanted to process and give thoughtful feedback later. If you play detective, you can check assumptions instead of spiraling. Another example is email silence. You send a detailed proposal to your team. Days go by and no one responds. So the facts are the who are the team members, the what is no reply, The when is four days, and the where is email, the why might be they don't care. My work doesn't matter. I must have wasted my time. But pause, maybe it's budget season. Maybe they're swamped. Maybe they skimmed it and planned to circle back, behavioral science tells us our brains crave closure, and so silence feels like rejection, but often it's just noise. In example three, around team conflict, you propose a new process in a meeting, and a colleague immediately pushes back. The facts of this are, who your colleague? The what is a verbal disagreement, The when is in a team Merideth and the where is a zoom call, the why might be, they're targeting me. They don't respect my expertise. They always want to undermine me. But maybe they've had a bad experience with a similar process. Maybe they're stressed about deadlines, the workplace. Detective lens. Here is the broad. Your application. So in these scenarios, you take a sheet of paper, you list your current projects and responsibilities and divide them in two columns. Column A is the facts, the who, what, when and where, and Column B is the why, the meaning that you've attached. Then ask, How much do I really care about this? Why you might discover you care deeply when your ideas are challenged in public, but not so much about email delay delays. That's a pattern worth noticing. It shows where your values or insecurity show up the strongest and the Merideth us out, the more you can predict and prepare instead of getting blindsided by emotion, you can decide this is a situation where I'll care about the why versus this one, I'll let it go. And this just isn't for work. Our personal lives are filled with those moments where we jump to why without realizing it. If we move to personal examples in our everyday life, as a detective, this is where our emotions even run deeper. So an example might be, a friend doesn't reply. So you text a close friend about grabbing dinner. Three days, no reply. The facts in this situation are, who your friend, what? No response. When, three days, where text message. The Why might be, she must be upset with me. I said something wrong last time. Maybe she doesn't value the friendship anymore. The truth she could be juggling work deadlines and family stress. When she does reply, she's apologetic and gratefully reached out. Another example, could you be your partner's reaction? You share exciting news with your partner, they barely react. The facts here would be, who your partner? What a muted reaction when last night after work and where at home, you might say to yourself and the why they don't care about me, they don't support me, but maybe they were exhausted, distracted or anxious about something else. Our third example is a social Merideth spiral. You post something meaningful on LinkedIn or Instagram fewer likes than expected. So the facts of this are the who, the followers, the what, 20 likes, when, within 24 hours and where online, the why you might be thinking is, my content isn't good. People don't care about my work. I'm not making an impact. But maybe it is because the algorithm shifted, or people were offline. It may have nothing to do with your worth. So again, for the personal detective lens, you take the two columns you take you divide it, the page in two, and you have the facts, actual observable things, and the why the story you're telling. Then ask yourself, How much do I care about this? Why? Maybe you deeply care. Care when a close friend doesn't respond, but you don't care when a casual acquaintance flakes out on you. Over time, you'll start to see patterns. You care maybe more about recognition than speed. You care more about intimacy and close relationships than surface interactions. You care more about fairness and popularity. That's powerful data about what matters most to you. So why do our brains insist on jumping straight into the why? Well, behavioral science gives us some fascinating answers when here's what's happening underneath the hood. First, there's negativity bias. We're wired to notice threats, so silence or neutral cues feel negative. There's the attribution error, error. We assume someone's behavior reflects their feelings about us, not their circumstances. We have the narrative bias. Our brains hate uncertainty, so we rush to create a story, even if it's wrong, and then we have emotional reasoning. If I feel anxious, I assume that must mean the situation is bad. That's why this detective lens is so powerful. It interrupts these biases. It says, slow down. Let's gather evidence before we rewrite the story. It's like training your mind to be a scientist instead of a novelist. Scientists test hypotheses. Novelists create drama. We need more science, less drama. Now let's get really practical. How do you apply this detective approach, not just in the moment but in crash, across your entire workload and life? So here's how to apply this in real time and in reflection. There's five things we can do. The first thing is in the moment when triggered pause, write down the facts. That's the who, what, when and where, and delay the why in this step.
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So step two is after the fact. Once your emotions Calm down, let's list possible explanations. So we're going to challenge your first story. So every explanation you can think of is something that you would write down here. Third, do a weekly reflection. So you've mapped your week into two columns. You have the facts section and the Y. Section, and these are for major things that happen to you during the week. Now circle the whys that matter the most. Now the fourth step is to spot patterns. So do you notice themes? Do you get most hooked when your competence is questioned, or when people are silent, or when recognition is missing? And then the final step is, choose your energy. Decide in advance how much of the why you care about some Whys are worth energy and your core values and close relationships. Others let them go. This is like running an emotional audit over time. You see clearly this is where I waste energy on stories that don't matter, and this is where I'll lean in because it aligns with my values that awareness is gold. It's how you stop being pulled into every emotional storm and instead choose which ones deserve your attention. So here's your invitation. This week, play detective. When something triggers, you separate the facts from the why write down the evidence and delay the meaning? Then ask yourself, Do I actually care about this? Why? And when you step back, a patterns will emerge. You'll start to notice which themes consistently tug at you and which ones you've been wasting energy on. That awareness is everything. It's how you stop spinning, stop storytelling and start responding with clarity. And I don't want this to just be an idea you hear and forget. I want you to try it. I've created a worksheet inside the unlearning work app that helps you map out your week, separate the facts from the why, and actually see those patterns for yourself. So when you download the app, you'll not only get the worksheet for this episode, you'll also get access to the work style quiz. That quiz shows you how your natural work style, how your brain plans, decides and follows through. So you can design systems that fit you instead of fighting against you. It's really like a one two punch. You use the detective worksheet to separate story from evidence. You use your work style results to see why certain Whys hit harder for you and how to manage them. Because here's the truth, clarity isn't just about less stress. It's about designing work and life that actually works for you. So download the app, grab the worksheet, take the quiz and Start unlearning the patterns that hold you back. Erin,
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